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Overloading children with tutoring and activities: The dangerous trap parents fall into. Oana Zapca: "We often don’t even know why we’re doing it!"
Psychotherapist Diana Todeancă has highlighted some common but extremely harmful mistakes that parents make when trying to help their children cope with the strong emotions they have before exams.
The expert emphasizes that the biggest mistake parents make is using discouraging messages in an attempt to motivate their children.
"I think the biggest mistake is the discouraging messages we give without meaning to and without believing them. I've heard of parents who say less pleasant things to encourage and motivate their children.*
'You're good for nothing!'
'You can't do it!'
'You'll see, the exam will come, and you won't accomplish anything!'
'You'll embarrass yourself!'
'You'll get the lowest grade!'
They say these things in an attempt to motivate the child, to give them a boost to prove it's not true: 'Just wait and see, I'll show you!'
But these only steal important bricks from their self-confidence. That's one of the mistakes. So, be very careful about what we convey to children, whether we're angry or not.
Parents say, 'Oh, I only say it when I'm scolding them, they know it's not true.'
The child doesn't know it's not true! The child records all these messages and takes them to heart from the very beginning", said Diana Todeancă on Părinți Prezenți, a show by ParintisiPitici.ro.
Although parents' intentions are usually good, they sometimes make mistakes that can negatively affect their children's emotional state. Psychotherapist Diana Todeancă explains how invalidating children's emotions is one of these mistakes.
"Another mistake parents make is invalidating emotions. Let's pretend anxiety doesn't exist.
'You have no reason to be nervous.'
'You are a smart kid, you'll do well.'
Again, maybe with good intentions, trying to encourage the child. The message that reaches the child is 'Oh, okay, so what I feel is wrong. I feel anxiety. I'm terrified of this exam, which means what I feel is wrong. So, what do I do now?'
'I can't tell my parents that I have anxiety or that I'm very nervous because they tell me there's no reason to be since all kids go through this.'
We need to stop invalidating their emotions, accept them, name them, and acknowledge them. It's okay, it's normal.
Instead of saying 'You shouldn't be stressed,' say 'It's okay to feel anxious about the exam, it's normal to go through moments of fear, it's normal to be stressed, it's natural!'", said Diana Todeancă.
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