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Overloading children with tutoring and activities: The dangerous trap parents fall into. Oana Zapca: "We often don’t even know why we’re doing it!"
"Here we are talking about older children, let's say eighth grade. They are already formulating thoughts about what could happen during the exam. This fear of failure comes with thoughts like: 'I'm worthless,' 'I'm stupid,' 'I don't know anything,' 'I'll never succeed in life'", said Diana Todeancă on Părinți Prezenți, a show by ParintisiPitici.ro.
An essential aspect of managing the fear of failure is paying attention to the child's inner dialogue. "This fear of failure comes with an inner dialogue. We first need to look at this inner dialogue of the child."
This dialogue is often influenced by what they hear from their parents. Unfortunately, in moments of anger, parents can use harsh words that become part of this inner dialogue.
"Unfortunately, there are even parents who say these things to their children when they scold them:
'You didn't know how to do your homework!'
'Look at the bad grade you got!'
'You'll never achieve anything!'
'You'll never succeed!'”, added the psychotherapist.
These words, even if said in anger, can have a profound and lasting impact on the child.
"Be very careful, and I want to emphasize this. Be careful with the words you use with your children because they become the child's inner dialogue.
Especially the mother's dialogue becomes the child's inner dialogue! And whenever we let slip a 'you're worthless' in anger, it gets recorded in the child's mind and will become their inner voice, which sometimes turns into a fear of failure, and other times into other issues", warns Diana Todeancă.
Psychotherapist Diana Todeancă has offered valuable advice for parents dealing with their children's fear of failure. This is a particularly relevant topic, especially in the context of exams and academic pressure. Todeancă emphasizes that the first step in managing failure fears is to understand the children's thoughts.
"To manage it, we need to ask the children what goes through their minds. And if they don't know how to say it, they should write it down. Take a sheet of paper and write down all the thoughts, even the darkest and ugliest thoughts about the exam", Todeancă stated.
Writing down thoughts is an essential exercise. Even the darkest and most pessimistic thoughts need to be expressed.
"Together with them, we should find healthier alternatives. Because I might think 'I'm worthless,' 'I'll never succeed,' even though I'm a top student, and those thoughts are still there.
They need to be replaced with something else so they don't stick around for later", the expert added.
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