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Overloading children with tutoring and activities: The dangerous trap parents fall into. Oana Zapca: "We often don’t even know why we’re doing it!"
Claudia Chiru emphasizes the importance of understanding the warning signals children send when they exhibit defiant behaviors. She suggests that these behaviors can be expressions of frustration or perceived injustices by the children and that it's essential to address them with empathy and understanding.
"When a child reaches the point of exhibiting defiant behavior, they're trying to communicate something. In reality, they're sounding an alarm signal for us. There's a frustration there, an injustice that they've experienced, something that hasn't been sorted out properly for them to understand and accept.
At school, when I encounter such behaviors, in the vast majority of cases, I know how to recognize them and have the ability to respond accordingly. That is, to talk about it with the student, to explain how it appeared to me and how I saw it, and to ask if that's what they wanted to show me or if they want to do something else, and for them to admit that they made a mistake and chose the wrong behavior and showed something they didn't intend to", Claudia Chiru stated on Present Parents, a program by ParintisiPitici.ro.
What would the ideal "garden" for raising happy and balanced children look like?
Radu Leca discusses three main sources of defiant behavior, highlighting the consequences of the child's unlimited access to resources, parental disengagement, and the lack of clear rules.
"Defiance has three sources in psychology: unlimited access to resources by the child, parental disengagement, and those zero rules that I've mentioned a thousand times and emphasized.
Access to resources, which have an unlimited cumulative value, from the most expensive clothes to the most expensive sneakers, even though their foot grows from one month to the next, to everything related to scale models of cars, eating anywhere, anytime, doing anything, anywhere, and being with other people, except for parents, because, of course, parents don't exist to be involved in the child's education, the results are these: they will defy you. They'll tell you that they are the king and you are nothing, that you are just a servant, that 'I'll call dad and he'll buy you,' 'do you want to stay in school? I left your sheet blank. So what? Dad will call you!'
This attitude of defiance will be permanent as long as it's allowed", stated Radu Leca.
Alexandra Șerb emphasizes the importance of establishing healthy authority in the relationship with children and the necessity of exercising it actively and consistently. She highlights that parents need to be the captains of the ship, guiding the child's behavior in the right direction without allowing them to take control of the situation.
"If I say 'my child doesn't listen to me,' what do I do? Do I give them the authority to listen to me or not? We are that healthy authority, that's what we need to be! We don't want to suppress the child, but we also don't let them run away with authority. We are the captains of the ship; we don't hand the child the helm.
This healthy authority is exercised!
Let's give an example: the child throws stones at cars. And I say to them, 'Please, stop throwing.' And what does the child say? 'I like throwing stones.' What I need to do is go and take them away from there and take them to an area where there are no stones or where they won't hit cars.
I don't leave the decision to the child: 'whether to listen to me or not.' If I see them doing something dangerous, I tell them 'Don't throw stones anymore' and I go and take them away from there and take them somewhere else.
If I do this exercise with them from a young age, it's the way I can educate the child without punishing them", explained Alexandra Șerb.
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