EXCLUSIV

What does a normal tantrum look like, and when does it cause concern? Violeta Mihalașcu: "I think the most important thing to say is THIS!" / PHOTO: freepik.com @dekazigzag

"What do children do when they have a tantrum? How does it manifest?" Loredana Iriciuc asked.

Violeta Mihalașcu explained that tantrums can manifest through a series of visible behaviors.

"Primarily through outward behaviors that we see: shouting, hitting, biting, throwing themselves on the floor, stomping", the expert said on "Părinți Prezenți", a show by ParintisiPitici.ro.

"I think it’s more important to mention that they DON’T start like this", Violeta Mihalașcu emphasized. "They escalate progressively as we fail to approach the tantrum as a learning moment and instead add tension to it with our stress, agitation, and lack of quality."

Children's tantrums: When do they start, when do they end, and what are the first signs? Violeta Mihalașcu: "I would like us to shift the perspective a little!"

Why do tantrums escalate?

"At first, children display milder behaviors: they might grumble, start to cry, or maybe throw an object because it’s easily within reach. But they don’t immediately throw themselves on the floor, wreck the entire house, and start hitting you.

It’s a natural, progressive escalation for the child. Because if they don’t get what they need, or if their agitation is heightened, it’s obvious that instead of calming down—since no one is teaching them how—their upset, anger, and frustration will intensify", added Violeta Mihalașcu.

The psychologist encourages us not to see tantrums as the ‘boogeyman’ of childhood but as a natural stage of development that can be effectively managed.

"But if we understand that a tantrum is NOT this ‘boogeyman’ of childhood and that we can approach it, handle it, and be capable adults, then it stays in a more manageable form, starts to last shorter, and happens less frequently", Violeta Mihalașcu further explained.

How do we learn to read the early signs of tantrums?

Host Loredana Iriciuc had a personal revelation about her son's tantrums. Recalling how her child's behaviors escalated from simple grumbling at the age of one to wrecking the entire house at two, Loredana Iriciuc asked, "So, does that mean I made a mistake by not teaching him how to calm down from the age of one?"

Psychologist Violeta Mihalașcu confirmed that the issue isn’t about blame but rather about parents often failing to recognize the early signals from their children.

"Yes, let’s say that. It’s not about blame; it’s about the fact that at that time, you didn’t know how to read his signals", the expert said.

Loredana Iriciuc added that it’s essential for parents to be informed about these subtle signals that appear early on. "That’s how it starts easily", she said, referring to how behaviors may seem harmless initially but can escalate if not properly managed.

Violeta Mihalașcu continued the discussion by explaining that until the age of two, tantrums are often manageable, and parents don’t become alarmed. "Exactly! The idea is that until 2 years old, you see that tantrums are manageable for parents, and they don’t get alarmed or panic because they’re not so intense. We can even redirect the child’s attention elsewhere, calm them with a little food, or sweep things under the rug. But the child doesn’t learn how to calm down or sit with those feelings."

At two years old, a child’s behaviors become stronger and harder to manage. "And that’s why at 2 years old, they explode", said Loredana Iriciuc.

Violeta Mihalașcu confirmed, explaining that as the child become more verbal and capable of expressing their feelings, tantrums can become more intense if they haven’t previously learned how to manage their emotions.

Why does a child resort to tantrums? The truth behind emotional outbursts. Violeta Mihalașcu: "The little one is smart enough to see what works!"

When is a tantrum abnormal?

Loredana Iriciuc brought up another essential topic for many parents: "When is a tantrum abnormal? When should we recognize that something is concerning and seek help from a specialist?"

Psychologist Violeta Mihalașcu responded by clarifying that the duration and frequency of tantrums are important factors to consider.

"We can consider the duration—over 20 minutes—and a very high frequency, like 10 times a day.

But these would rather be alarm bells that something isn’t working in that relationship; it’s not about the child. The child is there to be taught. It’s not about the parent either, as it’s not about finding blame; it’s about the fact that the two haven’t found a way to become more skilled at managing emotional crises together.

In this sense, yes, it can be a warning sign, and maybe we should address it earlier, so we don’t reach 20 minutes 10 times a day and learn how to manage such situations.

Because these situations worsen and become alarming when, over months or years, instead of developing emotional regulation skills, we fall into emotional dysregulation. And then they can only evolve in that negative direction", Mihalașcu concluded.

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